Emily Nagoski (a fantastic scientist and feminist) came up with a framework for how sexual desire works in her book “Come As You Are: the surprising science that will transform your sex life” (*affiliate link*).
In it, she talks about the “Dual Control Model”
Instead of our sex drives being in constant motion, she believes we have:
- a sexual accelerator (the things that turn us on) and
- a sexual brake (the things that turn us off)
These two energies are in a constant state of flux, and experiencing a sexual response depends on the balance of how much brake and how much accelerator you have at any one time.
This brilliant image explains the dual control model, taken from Emily Nagoski’s excellent website:
Or you can watch the video below to learn more about the Dual Control Model:
Interestingly, Emily Nagoski believes that women have more brakes than men (e.g. they face more barriers to getting turned on) and they’re also much more sensitive (their brake is more likely to be pushed down).
This doesn’t mean that women have less sexual desire generally than men, but that they experience more (or maybe different) brakes than men that are often created through biological, societal and cultural expectations of women.
How does this model explain disinterest in sex?
The traditional way we’re told to increase our desire is by putting our foot down on our “sexual accelerator” to try and turn ourselves on more…
AND/OR, you’re not sure what your personal accelerators are (e.g. what turns you on, or what conditions you need to be open to sex), which means you’re not pursuing what you need from a sexual experience.
Importantly, we want women to see that their desire doesn’t just dip for no reason- in fact, it’s usually a very natural and normal response to what’s going on in their lives.
It makes SENSE that you might not fancy sex if you’re experiencing even a few sexual brakes- for example:
- you’ve just had a baby
- or you’re under lots of work pressure
- or you’re the main caregiver for your family
- or you’ve grown up with negative messaging around female sexuality
- or your relationship doesn’t feel quite right.
How do I get back my sex drive?
Well first things first, naughty us- this is a trick question… because a sex drive doesn’t exist! Find out why here.
However, what we CAN show you is how to increase the amount of desire you experience.
And that is through looking at the amount of sexual accelerators and brakes you are experiencing at any one time.
Understanding exactly what those individual brakes are, and learning how to reduce or remove them, is KEY to maintaining a great sex drive. Emily Nagoski calls this turning on the ones and off the offs!
Luckily, we’ve put together some fantastic tools to help you do so...