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Esther Perel tells us sex isn’t something you do- it’s a place you go

She calls the ability to do this eroticism. 

This is the major difference between us and animals- that we can experience the erotic, which is “sexuality transformed by the human imagination”. 

Our minds therefore create the experience of sex for us. What is essentially a finite series of actions we repeat over and over with potentially the same partner can be transformed by our imagination. What is essentially normality can be magic with the right ingredients.

However, for many women modern life erodes our ability to experience the erotic. 

We might rarely (if ever) think about sex. Instead, other thoughts take priority and crowd our brain. We stay in the planning, organised, logical side and forget to unleash our powerful creative, wild spirit. It then becomes harder to summon up sexual thoughts when you need them. 

We may also become distracted during sex- a distracted mind rumbling on about the everyday instead of focusing on pleasure and sexual thrill.

However, we can gently shake our imagination out of slumber to become more alert to sexual stimulus, and keep our minds warmed up to sexuality so we’re more able to fire ourselves up when required. 

Desire starts with the individual to create rather than a partner activating it for us. So if you’re struggling to imagine yourself wanting sex, the tips below might be just what you need to get spark impulsive desire.

Here are the best ways to try waking up your mind to desire…

  1. Use your imagination- Esther Perel states; “the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination”. Find out why using your imagination is key to sparking desire, and some great tips on *how* you can do so in this post. 

  2. Schedule in time to think about sex. Just like the above, it’s important to spend time dedicated to using your imagination and kick starting desire. One of the things we can try is to purposefully practice thinking about sex, desire, fantasy- so that it becomes easier to access and connect to our sexual side.

    This is almost like a manual restart for the brain- dusting off our imagination, helping ourselves to conjure up fantasies, imagining sex or feeling turned on on a regular basis can mean our minds become less rusty and more accustomed to thinking in this way.

    I call it “waking up your mind to desire” because it’s about becoming more conscious of sex in your everyday environment to help you bring it back to the forefront of your mind- making erotic thoughts “think themselves” in future. Actually putting time aside to do so is more important than you think.

  3. Get creative. The more time you can spend on the right hand side of your brain expressing yourself, it’s easier to let loose and enjoy sex. 

  4. Find yourself a sexual role model. A sexual role model is someone who you look up to and can channel their daily sexy super power into yours. Sounds stupid right!? Trust me, it’s helpful.

  5. Use music. Just as focusing on sound is about connecting to your senses, so can it increase your ability to feel sexual. Stick on your favourite playlist that makes you feel good and start from there!  

  6. Go and watch a Burlesque show. Or any other show that makes you feel sexy. Appreciate different body types and the beauty of the human form- whatever your bra or dress size! 

  7. Take a sex class. Many sex shops or feminist groups run classes locally about increasing your skill in bed or learning about new and exciting activities to increase your sexual repertoire. If there’s nothing locally, there’s some fab Youtubers that have some brilliant tips designed to spice things up 🙂

  8. Read as much as you can about sex. To get you started thinking about sex, why not try this resource from Layla Martin called “Wild Woman in the Bedroom”

I hope these tips are helpful for you. Often our sex drives are a bit like a boiler– the more we keep them on but kept on a low heat, the easier it is to get turned on in future.

P.S. Have you tried any of these tips? Or have you tried something similar? What did you think?