One of the BEST ways for us women to start taking responsibility for our own pleasure is to seek out others who can help!
To find them, find or sign up for as many spaces where you can get correct, inspirational and empowering tips about stepping into your female power and sexuality as you can.
The aim is we want to get you a new sex-positive education, and to find communities and experiences that allow us to explore and shape a new narrative around our sexuality.
Find real sites and people that are honest about female pleasure.
Check out their facebook groups, twitter feed, instagrams, newsletters, hashtags…. just surround yourself with sex positive messaging!
Below are some of our best picks….
Places like OMGyes are an amazing good starting point- they have some great free videos on their Facebook page to get you thinking about pleasure.
Kinkly is another great resource with myth busting articles and educational resources about sex. They also have a list of their top sex bloggers and so it’s a gateway into a whole treasure trove of wonders!
The Modern Tantra blog is also great- take a look at her 12 step programme for better sex.
The Sexual Advice Association (UK): Lack of Sexual Desire and/or Arousal
Dr Lori Beth Bisbeys website “The Intimacy Coach”: Although she doesn’t exclusively write about the libido she’s a sex coach and has a great podcast and an A-Z series on sex which I’d recommend checking out.
A fantastic place to begin your journey into sexuality is “The Good Sex”– a blog written by Helen Allison. With tons of free resources and common sense advice, it’s a great help with the first steps of getting in touch with your sexual self and what YOU want.
Amy Jo Goddard’s website .
She runs a course called Fire Women which looks great but lots of free content on her site.
Another great space for sex tips is Youtube. Adina Rivers talks sex tipsin a way that’ll get you excited about sex as a skill to learn, not a foregone conclusion.
There’s also Hannah Witton– she’s aimed at a younger crowd, however her funny and chirpy videos are really educational.
Finding yourselves local spaces that encourage sex-positive discussion are key. Two examples are:
The Scarlet Ladies. They run London-based events for women, from choosing a sex toy to how to do a strip tease, and are a community of women breaking down the stigma and shame attached to female sexuality.
Another is the Sh! Women’s Store– they’re a London based erotic emporium with classes about anything from spanking to blow jobs. A great resource and they’ve got loads online too!
Seven sex drive experts:
The incredible Emily Nagoski is the author of “Come As You Are” (the bible for those of us with a low libido). She writes tons about a feminist understanding of desire which makes so much sense, and is a great one to keep an eye on to read new content. The Dirty Normal website is also a treasure trove of helpful advice and tips, plus it’s jampack of information about things like the dual control model of the sex drive AND lots of free e-books, worksheets and general amazingness. Emily wrote a bazillion books and has a PhD specialising in this area, so she’s super worth listening to for anyone just starting their journey into improving their sex drive.
A strong number two is the well-known Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel, who is incredibly helpful if your sex drive issues centre around your relationship or the sex you’re having. Esther does quick a few TED talks (like this one) which are bite sized versions of her brilliant theories about sexuality. But if you fancy getting your teeth into something a bit juicier, her book “Mating in Captivity” is excellent. In it, Perel describes two factors that might be useful to improve your libido.
The next expert came quite recently on my agenda but is definitely worth a mention for those of you who struggle to stay present during sex. Dr Lori Brotto is a mindfulness and women’s health expert, and in “Sex and Mindfulness” she has combined the two issues of low desire and meditation to create an excellent guide and informative resource on improving your libido.
The next person- Jaiya– I discovered through a film called “Sexology” I watched a couple of years ago and I’ve been hooked on her work ever since. Jaiya coined the concept of “sexual blueprints”– we each have a blueprint about how we like to be seduced or have sex. Knowing what your blueprint is (and your shadow print- the opposite-) can be incredibly helpful as it gives you a language in which to express what you want and need during sex.
Irene Fehr is a sex coach who has personal experience of a low libido, and she often talks about her own journey and relationships in her work which is a refreshing read!
Irene has a number of resources which are incredibly helpful when wanting to improve your libido, my favourite of which is where she talks about the importance of seduction to increase desire. Fehr describes desire as being “evoked not asked for” and emphasises the need for exploration and build up rather than the “instant turn on” idea we’re often told is how it should be.
Bez Stone is another sex therapist and woman with experience of a low sex drive that really resonated with me. If you’re struggling with sex being boring or feeling pressured to have it, Bez’s works are the way to go! She writes about “round the bases sex” AKA the usual story of foreplay, sex, orgasm, and how this can stop female desire in its tracks because its predictable and isn’t focussed on female pleasure.
The final expert to mention is Maj Wismann. Check out this page where she talks about the reasons behind a low libido which is a really great introduction to the general issues involved. Her easy to understand analogies and friendly tone can be really helpful to learn about what might be causing a lack of desire, and she also has tons of other resources and free e-books etc on offer that are rich sources of information and advice.
Other places to check out:
Reddit Dead Bedrooms: an online community for both LL (low libido) and HL (high libido) partners.
These are really important to share: the light at the end of the tunnel!
I’ve found a couple of note:
This great blog by a tantra teacher who discusses how she solved her dead bedroom
Bonny’s Oyster Bed 7: a blog by a Christian woman on how she solved her lack of sex drive.
This thread on Reddit.
Q: Great. But what next?
A: Keep reading
Flood your inbox, twitter feed and your mind with new ways of thinking and learning about your own sexuality.
Not only will it kick-start you thinking about sex, but it’s also a great way to meet other women who can inspire and enlighten you.
Each article or blog will help you think about sexuality in new ways or opens up new opportunities for thinking. It’s SO worthwhile to begin this way and explore at your own pace.
- Give yourself time: the path to sexual empowerment likely won’t happen overnight, it’ll be a series of lightbulb moments over a long period. Keep immersing yourself in the community, keep reading- you’ll know when you’re there.
- Be kind to yourself: don’t be mad at yourself if you don’t get things straight away, if some things still shock you or don’t sit right with you. It’s YOUR journey, take it at your own pace, and most of all, don’t judge yourself.
What do you think- can you recommend any other people or places that inspire you?