Build your community

One of the BEST ways for us women to start taking responsibility for our own pleasure is to seek out others who can help!

To find them, find or sign up for as many spaces where you can get correct, inspirational and empowering tips about stepping into your female power and sexuality as you can.

The aim is we want to get you a new sex-positive education, and to find communities and experiences that allow us to explore and shape a new narrative around our sexuality.

Find real sites and people that are honest about female pleasure.

Check out their facebook groups, twitter feed, instagrams, newsletters, hashtags…. just surround yourself with sex positive messaging!

Below are some of our best picks of who to follow….

The incredible Emily Nagoski  is the author of “Come As You Are” (the bible for those of us with a low libido). She writes tons about a feminist understanding of desire which makes so much sense, and is a great one to keep an eye on to read new content. The Dirty Normal website is also a treasure trove of helpful advice and tips, plus it’s jampack of information about things like the dual control model of the sex drive AND lots of free e-books, worksheets and general amazingness. 

Ev’Yan Whitney runs a platform with a blog, podcast and free resources. In her own beautiful words- “From a sexless marriage to fully embodying my erotic power, I liberated myself from stories that kept me in shame. And I want to help you do the same.” 

Well-known Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel does quick a few TED talks (like this one) which are bite sized versions of her brilliant theories about sexuality. But if you fancy getting your teeth into something a bit juicier, her book “Mating in Captivity” is excellent. 

Dr Lori Brotto is a mindfulness and women’s health expert, and in “Sex and Mindfulness” she has combined the two issues of low desire and meditation to create an excellent guide and informative resource on improving your libido. 

Jaiya coined the concept of “sexual blueprints”– we each have a blueprint about how we like to be seduced or have sex. Knowing what your blueprint is (and your shadow print- the opposite-) can be incredibly helpful as it gives you a language in which to express what you want and need during sex.

Irene Fehr is a sex coach who has personal experience of a low libido, and she often talks about her own journey and relationships in her work which is a refreshing read! 

Bez Stone is another sex therapist and woman with experience of a low sex drive that really resonated with me. If you’re struggling with sex being boring or feeling pressured to have it, Bez’s works are the way to go! 

The final expert to mention is Maj Wismann. Check out this page where she talks about the reasons behind a low libido which is a really great introduction to the general issues involved. Her easy to understand analogies and friendly tone can be really helpful to learn about what might be causing a lack of desire, and she also has tons of other resources and free e-books etc on offer that are rich sources of information and advice.

Layla Martin: Layla talks openly about her own relationship and struggles, weaving in sex magic into her many free resources, she’s well recommended a visit.

Dr Lori Beth Bisbeys website “The Intimacy Coach”: Although she doesn’t exclusively write about the libido she’s a sex coach and has a great podcast and an A-Z series on sex which I’d recommend checking out.

Lohani Noor: the brilliant sex therapist seen on BBC3s Sex On The Couch

Adina Rivers talks sex tips in a way that’ll get you excited about sex as a skill to learn, not a foregone conclusion.

Oloni– no holds barred sex education!

G’s Spot female sexuality and pleasure education

Alix Fox journalist, TV presenter and all round sexuality expert! 

There’s also Hannah Witton– she’s aimed at a younger crowd, however her funny and chirpy videos are really educational.

Amy Jo Goddard’s website- She runs a course called Fire Women which looks great but lots of free content on her site.

Laura Ellen is a brilliant sex educator from New Zealand who talks about how to “live a turned on life”

A fantastic place to begin your journey into sexuality is “The Good Sex”– a blog written by Helen Allison. With tons of free resources and common sense advice, it’s a great help with the first steps of getting in touch with your sexual self and what YOU want.

Juliet Allen is a sex educator based in Australia who has a great podcast and also sells beautiful yoni wands made from precious crystals!

Claudia Melli also has some fascinating insight into female sexuality and is most active on her Facebook page where she runs different courses (but even her posts have a lot of amazing info in them!).

For tantra resources check out:

  • The Modern Tantra blog is also great- take a look at her 12 step programme for better sex.
  • Helena Nista who writes a lot about how you can incorporate tantra into your everyday and has a lovely introduction to tantra course for free on her website.

OMGyes are an amazing starting point- they have some great free videos on their Facebook page to get you thinking about pleasure. 

Afrosexology a brilliant platform by and for black women that offers resources, blogs and workshops on liberating black sexuality.

 Kinkly is another great resource with myth busting articles and educational resources about sex. They also have a list of their top sex bloggers and so it’s a gateway into a whole treasure trove of wonders!

Sonder and Beam run London-based events for women, from choosing a sex toy to how to do a strip tease, and are also an online community of women breaking down the stigma and shame attached to female sexuality.

Sh! Women’s Store they’re a London based erotic emporium with classes about anything from spanking to blow jobs. A great resource and they’ve got loads online too!

Fumble are a digital media platform for young people to learn about sex, sexual health, their bodies, relationships, friendships, mental health, and sexuality.

AM AppointmentHonest & reliable information about female orgasms & masturbation set up by the wonderful Nadia Deen.

The Intimology Institute describe themselves as a “school of sexual wellness” and offer brilliant content on pleasure and desire through blogs, workshops, talks and great instagram feeds. 

My Body Back- The Clit List is a collection of feminist, non-misogynistic and empowering resources created with women who have experienced sexual violence in mind, so they can access erotic media that might help them explore their sexual desires while staying informed about potential triggers.

Decolonising Contraception a fab CIC founded by black and women of colour working in sexual health to increase awareness about the colonial influences on their practise and sexual health and wellbeing in general.

Sexplain are all about inclusive sex education for young people, but I’d say everyone can benefit from their colourful resources. Their recommended resources are also brilliant.

The Candid Collective host fun and informative workshops across London (and now online!) about everything from clay clitoris making workshops to sexual empowerment classes.

Daughters of Eve a brilliant website raising awareness about Female Genital Mutilation

The Vagina Museum because why the hell not?

PinkyPromiselandonline events and workshops around female sexuality

Other places to check out:

The Sexual Advice Association (UK): Lack of Sexual Desire and/or Arousal

The Havelock Clinic- low libido information

Harley Therapy- psychological reasons for a low libido 

Reddit Dead Bedrooms: an online community for both LL (low libido) and HL (high libido) partners.

Success stories:

These are really important to share: the light at the end of the tunnel!

I’ve found a couple of note:

This great blog by a tantra teacher who discusses how she solved her dead bedroom

Bonny’s Oyster Bed 7: a blog by a Christian woman on how she solved her lack of sex drive.

This thread on Reddit.

Q: Great. But what next?

A: Keep reading

Flood your inbox, twitter feed and your mind with new ways of thinking and learning about your own sexuality.

Not only will it kick-start you thinking about sex, but it’s also a great way to meet other women who can inspire and enlighten you.

Each article or blog will help you think about sexuality in new ways or opens up new opportunities for thinking. It’s SO worthwhile to begin this way and explore at your own pace.

Also:

  • Give yourself time: the path to sexual empowerment likely won’t happen overnight, it’ll be a series of lightbulb moments over a long period. Keep immersing yourself in the community, keep reading- you’ll know when you’re there.
  • Be kind to yourself: don’t be mad at yourself if you don’t get things straight away, if some things still shock you or don’t sit right with you. It’s YOUR journey, take it at your own pace, and most of all, don’t judge yourself.

What do you think- can you recommend any other people or places that inspire you?

5 Comments

  1. Really enjoying your posts, relatable and informative in equal measure

    1. Thankyou- that’s really kind feedback and has made my day 🙂 writing can sometimes feel like shouting into the abyss so I’m really pleased you let me know how you’re finding it.

  2. Trouble with the giggles over the featured image with this one too. But it’s not you, it’s me. I suppose I just needed a good giggle.
    But seriously, a big problem for me and my partner has been stress. A big part of our sex life has been D/s and spanking. But we’ve both been in the wars lately, and just too delicate to go there. So we’ve both been getting back to basics again.
    It might sound odd to say, but we’re both re-learning how to have orgasms. An issue doubly compounded because we’re a same sex couple, and both pretty finicky in the pleasure department.
    Getting some good guidance here, though. Thanks, Elle! <3

    1. Hahaha I picked them for their comedy value 🙂 sorry to hear you’ve been having problems but sounds as though you’re trying to work it out. It’s not odd at all- our sexual preferences change and re-learning things is super healthy! Have you ever read Jaiya’s erotic blueprints? Sounds like it might be helpful! x

      1. No, I haven’t. Think I might go check it out. Thanks for the tip, Elle. 🙂

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