We are proud of our approach towards female desire because we believe it sets us apart from so many other sites about increasing libido. So, here’s who we are and what we believe…
The first thing we want to come straight out with is that it is totally NORMAL to not want sex– whether that’s temporary, or on a longer term basis.
Some women are asexual, demi-sexual, or just A-OK with having no or low desire- and there’s no judgement there from us!
We believe in women defining sexual pleasure and satisfaction on their own terms- and if that means they’re happiest not having sex that’s grand!
However, this site is dedicated to women who feel dissatisfied with their current sex drive, and would like to improve it.
We hope that they are doing so on their own terms and not through pressure from a partner or society, although we recognise our relationships and surroundings can be a powerful motivator for change.
We know that female desire is an incredibly powerful force- but it’s often misunderstood…
A lack of desire is often so medicalised and individualised that many women feel there’s something wrong with them if their libido vanishes.
That’s because most science around the libido is based on an understanding of male bodies. Female desire doesn’t fit the usual templates we know and understand about getting turned on…
We also believe that women’s desire doesn’t just dip for no reason.
In fact, we want to reframe low sex drive as a very natural and normal response to what’s going on in their lives. It makes SENSE that you might not fancy sex if (for example):
- you’ve just had a baby
- or you’re under lots of work pressure
- or you’re the main caregiver for your family
- or you’ve grown up with negative messaging around female sexuality
- or your relationship doesn’t feel quite right.
Katherine Rowlands states that “body image, relationship satisfaction and learned values intervene to shape women’s experiences of lust”. Therefore there are THOUSANDS of factors that influence desire, and often you don’t need pills or a psychiatrist to help you regain it.
Low desire is a healthy response to lackluster sex- Katherine Rowlands
Which also means we want to work as a…
“Half of women have low sex drive. So maybe the problem isn’t women, it’s our view of sexuality”- Sarah Barmak
You’re also not alone- over 40% of women experience a low libido during their lifetimes!
We believe this is no coincidence, and a low sex drive is more likely to happen to women because they are women- because of elements like societal messaging about female sexuality, lack of education about pleasure, and that women are more likely to be exhausted as statistically they do most of cooking, cleaning, caring etc.
This isn’t to say that it doesn’t happen to men because it certainly does! But this platform aims to raise awareness so women don’t feel so alone experiencing a loss of libido.
Our message to you is:
- you’re not broken if you have low desire
- and you’re not on your own (even if you feel like it sometimes!).
We know that there is so much pressure EVERYWHERE to look a certain way to be sexy.
So, we promise to do our best to make this an inclusive space.
We’ll make every effort to represent all different body shapes, races, ages, abilities and much more!
We’ll try to avoid perpetuating traditional narratives of what is “sexy” (e.g. pictures of lacy lingerie) and leave it up to YOU what you find sexy.
This site is aimed at self-defined women/womxn, however we hope there is something anyone can take away. However you identify you are welcome here.
This site will also ALWAYS have free content because we believe every woman deserves to have great sex.
And finally/most importantly, we believe that every woman has the potential to (re)discover* her desire.
Consider this drop in your sex drive as a messenger- if you listen to what it has to say you’ll discover so much about yourself and your sexuality.
We’d love to join you on your journey and hope you find this site as helpful as possible.
“Female sexuality cant be fixed with a pill because it’s not broken- it’s misunderstood”- Sarah Barmak
We also LOVE feedback- drop us a line anytime or leave a comment below anything that comes to mind. We’re always trying to be more inclusive and have LOTS to learn, so we’re open to anything you have to say.
In love and solidarity,
The Desired State Team
*We use the term “(re)discover” your sex drive (as opposed to “find” or boost”) in recognition that some women may be seeking out a whole new relationship with her sex drive that she didn’t have before. Others might have found theirs perfectly satisfactory beforehand- they’re just wondering where it’s hiding.