Welcome to Desired State.
That’s me above.
Lounging in bed with my insta-perfect bed hair and crisp looking sheets with that kinda I’m-cute-AND-naughty-come-to-bed-smile.
There’s no pics on here of me (for now) mainly cos what if my Mum finds out I’m writing about my fanny online- she’ll kill me. That’s only half a joke.
But you wanna know about me, huh?
The short version is… My name is Laura.
I’m a 30 something Londoner, have a great bunch of mates, a wee vinyl collection, and I spent over four years experiencing a rather, lets say, intermittent sex drive.
Just FYI: I know how it feels to struggle to want to have sex.
So Desired State came to life out of this journey to get to the bottom of my wayward desire.
It’s taken me to some interesting places.
I’ve gone from sex education to science to tantra and taoism.
I’ve learned about sex magik, sensuality, the power of somatic movement, celtic sex practises and kundalini yoga.
I’ve belly danced, drank sex coffee (yep, really) and scoured Youtube, libraries and the blogosphere to find my way back to desire.
And I have a LOT to say about what I discovered along the way (if you want to read more about me scroll down for the full juicy R-rated version of my story).
Each part of this journey gave me unique tools and insights which I lovingly incorporated into this website.
I’m so proud to have you here and hope you find the site and the information given as useful as I have.
Let me know how you’re finding it- firstname.lastname@example.org literally anytime.
Who am I outside of talking about sex?
By day I work in feminist gender-based violence prevention.
I am a trainer and workshop facilitator specialising in trauma informed, strengths-based, survivor-led practise.
I have extensive experience offering one to one support for women experiencing coercive control, violence and abuse.
I facilitate workshops about sexual violence, rape, and abuse, and offer training/workshops to survivors, professionals and communities around Violence Against Women and Girls.
My bread and butter is talking about consent, pleasure, empowerment and healing through activism.
If you’d like to know more about working with me and how I can help you around sexual empowerment workshop facilitation and desire coaching, click here.
The Long Story…
I don’t often spill the deets of my sex life.
Actually, I’m pretty shy and usually clam up when it comes to talking about intimate things (even with partners and my closest mates). Which is partly what got me into this mess in the first place.
But anyhow, I digress,
Seeing as you’re here and listening, and I’m sure you’re just a teeny bit nosy about what was up with my muff and why on earth I’d start a whole blog about it rather than just go to my GP and sort it out quietly, here’s a little about me and my story…
Settle down, put your feet up with a cuppa- it’s story time….
I experienced a low point during my late 20s where my sex drive just completely gave out on me.
When I say low point, I’m talking bad times.
There was sex, people, but during that time I had very little desire to bother doing it.
My sex drive came back periodically (enough for me to vaguely remember a time when I was into it) but more often than not it sat gathering dust while I waited for desire to drop from the sky- wishing it was some tangible thing I could find like my keys down the back of the sofa.
I had 0 idea on what was causing it, and the information I found online was super unhelpful. Much of it was either:
- medicalised (dysfunction disorders anyone?)
- simplistic (“because of stress”)
- odd (you’re not drinking enough sex coffee or eating enough brocolli)
- or felt kind of scary (see a sex therapist! Take a pink pill!).
I felt grey, stagnant, numb, confused, alone. Where the f*ck had my sex drive gone? One minute it’s there and I’m not even thinking about it, and the next it’s up and left and I’ve got not the faintest about how to go about getting it back.
My sex life was so routine, so lacking, so just…. dead.
Now, don’t get me wrong- EVERYONE experiences sex drive highs and lows. Whether you’ve got a temporary case of cystitis or a stressful time at work, recovering from an operation, or simply pissed at your partner, we all sometimes just don’t fancy bonking.
But trust me guys, this was different.
This was hard core, literal winter is coming style self-imposed but non-consensual celibacy. And it was shit.
I felt like this:
And I told a few mates who were basically like this:
And my boyfriend was like this waiting for me to feel better and stop making excuses whenever he shuffled over with a glint in his eye:
And I floundered about what to do, where to go, or who to talk to.
It was embarrassing, right? It felt like everyone was having sex, and not wanting it made me feel like an alien.
Was it me? Was it him? How long would this last? And most importantly, what could I possible do to kick start my fanny back into action?
How to sort out a sad vagina?
Obviously, as any self-respecting millennial would do, I checked out Dr Google for help.
It was a horrific mess of viagra adverts, penis enlargement sites and dodgy looking sex therapists that offered to do a “yoni massage” to reinvigorate my sex drive.
I also read “quick fix” articles that in 5 steps promised to cure all of my problems, or advised drinking turmeric milkshakes or “sex coffee” (yup, that’s a real thing) to ramp up my desire for sex.
But I knew it ran much deeper than that and wouldn’t be an overnight cure.
I felt annoyed at the lack of resources out there for women considering some stats put this issue at nearly 50% of us having experienced it.
And I also began hating myself because I knew something was missing in my life, and it left me feeling empty, lacking, beige, and with less than any joir-de-vive.
Whatever it was, I knew in finding it, I’d find my vulva-voom again.
Random french thrown in always makes people sound so much smarter. Don’t you think?
So, what did I do?
First I stumbled across some articles that explained sex drives to me in a way I understood, and others that talked about the way that as a society we give women the wrong messages about their bodies, pleasure and desire.
Then, I read more and more and more. I joined forums, spoke to friends and strangers, found a community of bloggers, and did some more shit on the internet.
I had some MAJOR break through’s along the way. Like these:
- I realised I literally had no clue about sexuality! Like, I had never learned or been taught about my body, my sexuality, pleasure or how to express what I wanted. I was literally a sexual blank canvas!
- We medicalise, prescribe pills and pathologise women for their lack of desire to have sex, when infact our ideas about sexual response have always been defined in terms of a model made for men. So it’s no wonder the female sex drive is such a mythological creature!
So, I found myself a new sexual education. One less this:
And more this:
Which I called “the art of sexual sexual empowerment”.
And now, I want to open up the conversation on low sex drives to everyone.
To normalise it. To help women see they’re not broken.
Having a low sex drive or losing your sexual identity doesn’t mean you’re going to be stuck in a perpetual sexual winter.
So, if this is you too, you can also do just as Justin says:
And become that sexual firecracker you were before or are destined to be. I know you can do it.
And this site is my way of sharing that knowledge with you.
Follow along and I’d love to hear what has helped you.
The best place I’d recommend to begin would be my “understanding desire” series to start unpicking what on earth desire actually is!
Let’s do this!
P.S. I’d love for you to join in the chat/let me know your thoughts in the comments, or submit your own story via the #sexdrivestories hashtag.