The Pleasure Mechanics state that experiencing a period of low desire isn’t the problem… however the suffering is in thinking you are stuck there.
If your desire is low, it can feel like you’ve used up all your “mojo” or that you’re broken and you’ll never experience desire again. But this is far from the truth!
If you’ve explored our site, you’ll know that you can’t actually lose your “sex drive”…
That’s because desire isn’t a drive but rather is based on motivation to engage in sex.
And we know how you can increase yours!
Things that shut down desire...
If you’re experiencing less desire than you’d like to, we suggest that there are six universal factors that are influencing your interest in sex:
These factors shape our desire because they turn us off (acting as sexual brakes), and/or close down our ability to become turned on (sexual accelerators).
*You can find out more about sexual brakes and accelerators here if you’re interested*.
Where to begin if you want to increase your desire to have sex...
“What stands in the way becomes the way” -Marcus Aurelius
If you suspect that one (or more) of the elements above might be impacting on your desire, click the headings below for a link to learn more about how and why these elements affect and shape desire AND to discover the *best* resources to elevate your interest in sex…
(P.S. our advice is to check out every section. Often each factor interlinks with another so knowing about them all is really helpful!)
The quality of the sex you are (or were) having is one of the MOST important aspects to wanting sex.
E.g. sex isn’t satisfying, it hurts, there’s no seduction, it feels stressful or becomes associated with guilt and pressure, there’s too much familiarity, predictability or routine, you’re frightened of intimacy, you’re having duty sex or “giving in” to please a partner, or physical affection only happens in the build up to sex, this might all be behind your disinterest in desire.
If uncomfortable, bad or boring sex is closing down your desire, the “cure” is to learn how to have desirable sex!
Dr Lori Brotto believes a woman’s feelings about her partner contribute more than anything else toward her levels of desire.
We’ve broken these down into sections that include too little or too much intimacy, issues around communication and conflict, fear of intimacy, and loss of attraction.
Check out the how you feel about your relationship/partner page to find out more.
Being connected to your “sexual self” is crucial to experiencing desire. This includes knowing what you want in bed, feeling confident in how to ask for what feels good, and feeling a sense of connection to your body, sexual energy and power.
Find out more about how to connect to your sexual self.
Your physical well-being can be heavily interlinked with low levels of desire. This could include hormones, medication, nutrition, pain/discomfort during sex, changes in appearance, and fatigue.
Click here to find out more about physical well-being and some resources from experts writing on the issue that can help.
Time and how much you prioritise sex can be affected by each of the areas above (hence why it comes last!).
This might include being too busy, your priorities, exhaustion, the impact of responsive desire, and how women’s roles in the household are tied to an inequality in terms of time.
We’ll end by saying that although it can be really distressing and lonely to experiencing a dip in desire, you CAN get it back.
Sometimes desire shutting down can also be a really helpful prompt to reflect (on our relationships, well-being, sex, stress levels etc)- to explore what’s working and what isn’t when it comes to our sexual well-being. This is positive because it means you’ll get to know yourself and what you need, meaning your sex life can only improve if you try!
We wish you the best of luck in your journey and we’d love to hear from you to find out how you’re doing and answer any desire related questions you have- drop us a DM at firstname.lastname@example.org