If you’ve arrived here before visiting our Discover Desire series, you should know that it’s normal for our desire to go up and down depending on what’s going on in our lives.
However, we might feel distress that our desire isn’t where we want it to be (or that it’s not where our partner thinks it should be!).
We might start googling and see that a lack of desire is a ‘sexual dysfunction’- or see it as a problem to be solved.
In this post we explain the 7 things you need to know if you’ve lost your sex drive and we discuss the pressure on women to want sex… from ourselves, our partners, and society in general.
This pressure can leave us feeling broken or wondering if there’s something wrong with us. It can also lead to conflict and pressure within our relationships around sex.
However we’re here to say- ITS NORMAL FOR DESIRE TO FLUCTUATE.
And if yours has been low for a while, we’d recommend that instead of jumping to the idea of medication or therapy, that you look at your faded interest in desire in the context of your life.
Because it usually makes total sense why your desire has faded once you do.
It can seem like your libido has a life of its own when it goes up and down, but in reality if you are experiencing a dip (or a lift) in desire, we suggest that there are six key factors that are affecting your interest in sex.
And once you understand what these are and are conscious of how they impact on desire, you have the keys to reinvigorating it.
Read on to learn what these elements are, how and why they affect and shape desire, AND (if you choose to) to discover how to reconnect to your interest in sex…
(P.S. Our advice is to check out every section. Often each factor interlinks with or causes another so knowing about them all is really helpful!)
The six factors that are shutting down your desire:
The quality of the sex you are (or were) having is one of the MOST important aspects to wanting sex.
Spoiler alert- if you’re having unsatisfying sex, it’s normal not to want more of it. And yet it’s the one factor we talk about the least, often blaming ourselves or looking for a more substantial reason why we’ve gone off sex.
If uncomfortable, bad or boring sex is closing down your desire, increase your appetite by learning why dissatisfying sex is shutting down your desire and find out how to have desirable sex!
Dr Lori Brotto believes a woman’s feelings about her partner contribute more than anything else toward her levels of desire.
Check out the how you feel about your relationship/partner page to find out more about the 5 factors in your relationship that are closing down your desire, and what to do about them.
Being connected to your “sexual self” is crucial to experiencing desire.
This includes knowing what you want in bed, feeling confident in how to ask for what feels good, and feeling a sense of connection to your body, sexual energy and power.
Find out more about the importance of and how to connect to your sexual self.
Your physical well-being can be heavily interlinked with low levels of desire. This could include hormones, medication, nutrition, pain/discomfort during sex, changes in appearance, and fatigue.
Click here to find out more about physical well-being and some resources from experts writing on the issue that can help.
Time and how much you prioritise sex can be affected by each of the areas above (hence why it comes last!).
This might include being too busy, your priorities, exhaustion, the impact of responsive desire, and how women’s roles in the household are tied to inequality in terms of time.
How to get back your sex drive
“What stands in the way becomes the way” -Marcus Aurelius
Although it can be really distressing and lonely to experience a dip in desire if it lasts for a while, if you want to you CAN get it back. The 6 factors above can be a really helpful framework to find out what impacts on your desire and to discover your individual path forwards.
Self-knowledge about who you are and what you need to feel turned on is key- click through to each section to find out more.
Sometimes desire shutting down can also be a really helpful prompt to reflect (on our relationships, well-being, sex, stress levels etc)- to explore what’s working and what isn’t when it comes to our sexual well-being. This is positive because it means you’ll get to know yourself and what you need, meaning your sex life can only improve if you try!
We wish you the best of luck in your journey and we’d love to hear from you to find out how you’re doing and answer any desire related questions you have- drop us a DM at firstname.lastname@example.org