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Lost your sex drive?

You’re not alone. 

For four years (four veeeeeery LONG years) my sex drive vanished too. 

I wasn’t sure where to begin to get it back… so I spent the next four years devoting my life to finding out what was causing my low sex drive- and what to do about it. 

And TBH… what I found was pretty amazing.

I knew I had to get the word out to other women who must be feeling the same.

So here are the 7 tips I wish I’d had when I first started out looking into why I’d lost my sex drive… 

#1: Don’t panic

Experiencing a dip in desire is SO common- you aren’t alone. 

It is totally normal to have periods where you just don’t fancy sex– whether that’s temporary, or on a longer term basis. Our desire to have sex goes up and down in response to what’s going on in our lives.

Nearly HALF of all women have experienced low sexual desire in their lifetimes. It’s the most common sexual ‘problem’ women report that they face. 

But it’s odd that we frame it as a “sexual problem” because….

#2: It’s OK if you don’t want to have sex

Our aim at Desired State is firstly to challenge the idea that you should want sex! Many people experience little to no desire for sex, and that’s completely valid too. Here’s a great article about a woman loud and proud (and not feeling guilty) that she just isn’t that into sex. 

We’re not saying that experiencing desire for sex more frequently is a good or a bad thing, something we should all aspire to, or that having more sex is necessarily the goal here. The most important thing is that YOU are happy with the sexual experience you have– however much or little you decide to have.  

However, some of us aren’t happy with the level of desire we’re experiencing. 

Maybe we miss the feeling of desire.

Perhaps we’re worried that there is something wrong with us that we can’t easily summon that feeling of wanting sex- especially if it’s something we could do easily at the start of our relationship. 

If yours has been missing for a while, you might be wondering how to revive that feeling of being open to sexual intimacy…? 

#3: If you do want to want sex, a drop in desire can cause distress

We might feel like not wanting sex is a problem that needs to be resolved, because we’re under pressure to have more sex- from expectations society has put on us (or we put on ourselves) about what is normal, or from within our relationships.

Many women feel there is a certain amount of sex they should be having or a set level of desire they should feel (and that it should impulsively start before they have sex).

If their desire fades they might worry they’ll never get it back, or that they are somehow broken. Not experiencing this “impulsive urge” to have sex might leave us feeling empty, or numb. 

Perhaps some women are having sex they don’t really want because we think we should or because our partner wants to, or experiencing pressure or conflict in their relationship around their levels of desire. 

#4: That’s because most of what you’ve been told about desire is not true!

A drop in desire is often so medicalised and individualised that many women feel there’s something wrong with them if their libido vanishes. 

#5: We take a *very* different approach

We think it makes total sense that *so* many women experience fading desire in a Long Term Relationship. 

You’re not broken, dysfunctional or unusual if your desire for sex wanes. In fact- it’s perfectly normal and understandable once we view it in the context of our lives!

#6: And you have the power to elevate your desire

We believe that none of us have a set or innate amount of desire that we were born with, but rather there are 6 factors that influence the level of desire you experience. 

This means you have control over how much desire you feel. In fact, you can have a lot of influence over your sexual experience… 

#7: If you know how… 

If you want help to increase your desire, here’s how….

Start by learning how desire really works at our Night School. There are many misconceptions about the female libido- including the idea that we have a ‘sex drive’, and that it can be high or low. Knowing the science behind it is game-changing. You might even leave questioning whether you have a low sex drive at all…

Next, discover the individual factors that can put the stoppers on you wanting sex. It usually makes *total sense* why a woman’s desire has faded once it’s looked at holistically and put in context. Knowing who you are sexually, what you want in bed and how to turn yourself on is a powerful way to experience a more sustained connection to your desires in future. 

Finally, we’ll provide you with actionable tips and tools so that you’re able to navigate periods of wanting less sex in your relationship without pressure, conflict and disagreement.

What is the one thing you wish people knew about desire? Tell us in the comments below!