“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new”. — Ursula K. Le Guin
Intimacy, closeness and connection can be huge motivators for sex.
And the opposite also applies- our desire for sex can be impacted if we don’t feel the above.
Whether you feel there’s distance between you that’s causing a low sex drive (or is an affect of a lessening in desire), looking into the issues within your relationship and thinking about making positive changes can be a huge step forwards towards a better sex life.
I’ve written in much more depth in this post about exactly how and why issues within our relationships can close down your desire.
But in this post, I’m going to share a few powerful tools you can use to increase your connection to each other, thereby boosting your desire.
How to increase connection to your partner (and boost your libido!).
Below is a beginners guide to four steps you can take to establish a healthy, positive relationship with your partner.
These are the steps I followed when my desire took a nosedive- you can read more about me here and how this process revolutionized my low libido!
Step one: Start with a relationship health check.
Pop the kettle on, and begin with this exercise on the relationship reflection wheel to help you step back and examine your relationship overall.
It’s really useful to consider what areas of your relationship are currently OK and which need work, which will act as a guide as to what to do next.
Step Two: Take a quiz….
It might sound silly, but taking A Love Language Quiz can seriously improve your relationship.
We each have different ways we give and express love, and we might fall into the trap of expressing love or need in the way we prefer rather than how our partner wants to receive it.
This can improve both your relationship AND your sex life by bringing awareness to the different forms of affection, and giving you a language to talk about your needs and ideas on how to improve how you express your love for each other.
Step Three: Focus on communication
A lack of communication, or miscommunication, can spell disaster for a relationship. Conflict increases, and all of a sudden there’s a gulf between you where there used to be lightheartedness and laughter.
Conflict may exist in the relationship already and CAUSE a low libido, but often it’s also an EFFECT of a mismatch in desire in the relationship, so it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.
Breaking into this cycle and changing the way you communication can revolutionise a relationship that’s become weighted down.
The first place I’d signpost you to is the Gottman method. John Gottman writes that in relationships that have become unhealthy there are four communication styles that can be really damaging– criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. Understanding more about these (and the solutions) can be really useful. The State of The Union resources are INVALUABLE at created a shared sense of understanding and a container to help you argue more constructively.
Check out my specific post on how to talk to your partner about experiencing a low sex drive to help you open up that conversation in a healthy and productive way and know how to navigate the “danger zone” of initiation.
If you’re anything like me this will be your nemesis so I hope I can share some light on what works…..
Step Four: If you fix the sex, your relationship will transform
Esther Perel is an amazing sex therapist, and her advice around relationship therapy shocked the therapeutic communicated because “her thinking went against long-established relationship wisdom, namely that if you fix the relationship through talking therapy, then the sex will fix itself“.
However, although Perel acknowledged this might work, she “worked with so many couples that improved dramatically in the kitchen, and it did nothing for the bedroom. But if you fix the sex, the relationship transforms.”
It’s an interesting spin on what is thought to be common sense, but in fact her assertion works. If we can transform the way we relate to each other in our most intimate moments (and increase our desire to do so), the rest of the relationship is bound to come together too.
You can watch Perel’s TED talk on desire where she discusses her take on low desire- chiefly that the ultimate paradox in relationships is how we balance the need for stability and safety (love) with our need for adventure, risk and novelty (desire) here.
Want to go deeper?
There is SO much more to cover in this section about how to restore the health of your relationship.
Dive in to the blog to find out more tips, tricks and guidance around relationships and sex.
Have any of the above ideas worked for you and your relationship? Are there any tips you can share of ways to reconnect to your partner?
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