Many many women (myself included) experience barriers to accessing and expressing our sexual selves.
(I’ve written about this in more depth in this post on our sexual identities)
This is because for many women, society doesn’t enable them to get to know who they are and what they want when making love.
Throughout history the focus of sex has usually been on male pleasure, and women are often called names or censured if they begin to explore and experiment with their sexuality. Many cultures shut down women’s desire and sexual expression.
As a result, many women might:
- be unsure of what they really want in bed
- lack confidence or believe they’re not allowed to ask for what feels good
- feel sexually numb, empty or lifeless
- or just feel powerless in bed
And this is devastating for our sex drives- because sex will never be about centering our pleasure or needs.
And who wants what doesn’t feel great, hey?
To remedy this, I recommend every woman goes on a journey of sexual self-empowerment.
Sexual Self-Empowerment is the Sex Education You Never Had (But Wish You Did)
Sexual self-empowerment is essentially the process we go through to explore (and create) our sexual self.
Just as we develop throughout our lives and learn who and how to be at work, in our social circles and in relationships, we also learn how to express ourselves (our wants, needs, desires) in the bedroom.
It’s the education we wished we got at school (minus the kids flinging around femidoms and those weird birthing videos)…
But- where to begin?
My guess is that if you’re reading this its because you’ve either never had the opportunity to explore this side of yourself, or you did a long time ago and haven’t connected recently.
You can totally do this alone- there are some amazing resources out there that will help you on your way.
But I’ve already mapped out some of the steps needed and practises required to get there yourself, in half the time….
Step One: Learn how desire works
The BEST place to begin your journey into understanding your sexuality is with looking at the real “nuts and bolts” of your libido.
Becoming aware of how desire works means you’ll not only have a better understanding of yourself but you’ll also explore the problems with how we view female sexuality and “sexual dysfunction”.
You can shortcut any research easily by signed up to my “Discover Desire” four part course. I’ll walk you through an in-depth guide to your sex drive, sent conveniently to your inbox every week. We’ll explore concepts like sexual accelerators and brakes, and two different models of desire.
By understanding *how* you actually work through accurate and empowering sex education, we’ll bust myths about desire and you’ll learn the secret to managing the female libido.
Step Two: Find out what you want in bed!
To desire means “to want”, and so one of the most important things for anyone looking to improve their sex drive or have better sex is to work out what it is you want and feels good for you during sex.
As Claudia Melli states, “a sexual appetite is built on knowing what you want”. To help, I’ve put together a beginners guide to working this out!
My “Ultimate Guide For The Totally Clueless to Knowing What You Want In Bed”starts with the basics on how to begin knowing what you want! I put it together as I worked my way through this process too, so I know firsthand how difficult it can be to know where to start.
Step 3: Learn how to ask for what you want.
It’s quite difficult to do this until you know what exactly it is you’re asking for, but once you’ve explored what you want in bed it’s time to start getting YOU what you want!
I found the best place to start with isn’t jumping into skills on asking (e.g. dirty talk) but rather asking yourself what’s holding you back from speaking out in bed?
Knowing what you find difficult/embarrassing/a barrier to being able to express yourself sexually is the first step.
Step 4: Start Practising Erotic Self-Care
Before you think you’ve heard it all before and that sexual self-care is just all about bubble baths and Goop, I explain in this post about how sexual self-care is different.
And why it might be just the thing that transforms your entire life.
Want to go deeper?