There are many things that can close down a woman’s sex drive, but one of the MOST common factors (but not often spoken about) is because there is a barrier to her accessing and expressing her sexual self.
This might feel like not only low (or no) desire for sex with a partner, but also a lack of wanting to touch yourself, have sex with anyone else, or feeling bereft of *any* sexual thoughts, dreams or desires.
If this is you- we hear you!
This is exactly how our founder Laura felt for nearly 4 years… it’s like someone just blew out your sexual spark and catching fire again feels almost impossible.
BUT, it is possible. Because often it’s just about connecting to our erotic self.
The sexual self
The sexual self, or what people call your “erotic IQ” or “sexual identity”, is formed of our thoughts, dreams, anticipations, imaginations, memories, impulses and desires. Being in touch with your sexual self means you see yourself as a sexual being, and you are able to do things like:
- knowing what you want in bed
- feeling confident in how to ask for what feels good
- and feeling a sense of connection to your body, sexual energy and power.
This is something we learn as we grow up, shaped and influence by education at school, experimenting with partners and external messaging from things like films and the media.
However many (seriously, MANY- me included!) women struggle with a sense of ownership of their sexuality because they aren’t sure *what* they want in bed or *how* to express themselves and their desires!
This could be because they never had an opportunity to embrace or explore this part of their identity.
Patchy sex education, myths about desire and negative messaging about female sexuality has meant many of us feel kind of clueless about what we want. Or we might believe somehow that women shouldn’t feel desire, enjoy sex, or that our pleasure is secondary to our partners.
For others, maybe years of being in the same relationship/doing the same things in bed has lead to them forgetting who they are or what they like in bed.
Or perhaps we’ve not given ourselves permission to want. We shut ourselves down in the belief we don’t deserve to feel pleasure, to be attractive if we don’t have a body that fits with the cultural ideas of beauty, or shame silences us because of past experiences and trauma.
Without this connection to our inner sexual self, desire can suffer because we’re not equipped to pursue the kind of sex that makes us satisfied, and we don’t see ourselves as sexual beings.
Below are just some of the ways a woman might feel disconnected from her sexual self….
We don’t know how we work:
Being unsure of how our sex drive functions leaves us at a massive disadvantage (thanks, crappy sex education!).
This is because there are many misconceptions about desire and the different ways in which people experience it. This can make women feel like there is something wrong with them, when in fact the female libido viewed through a different lens works splendidly!
(PS: To remedy this TODAY take our Desire SOS course which will walk you through the mechanics and mind blowing science of desire.)
We hold limiting or negative beliefs about sex, sexuality and/or who can be “sexy”-
There are many influences that shape our sexuality- including the messaging we receive as children, our sex education, our culture, the media, as well as other influences including things like colonialism and the fashion industry.
Because of this, many of us have both conscious and unconscious “blocks” when it comes to sexuality. Sometimes this is the day to day chatter in our brains we are aware of, and other times these can be deeply held beliefs formed through influential experiences throughout our lives. Some of these may harm us, or limit our ability to pursue and/or enjoy sex, which over time erodes any desire to be intimate.
We don’t know what we want!
This is SO common for so many women- not knowing what they like or want in bed.
Katherine Rowlands believes “the utter depletion of sexual interest might be more common to heterosexual women, because their desires are less clearly defined to begin with”.
For many women, we’ve never explored what we want, never been asked, stumble across it accidentally, or over time we’ve lost touch with our desires. We might feel empty, numb, or passive in bed, go along with what pleases our partner, or feel lost in knowing what turns us on or what our fantasies are.
This can be an issue because throughout history the focus of sex is often on male pleasure. Women are taught to be passive receivers of sexuality, not creators. Those that do go against the status quo might be called names or censured if they begin to explore and experiment with their sexuality. Not knowing what you want (or don’t want) means sex is always going to be about centring your partners pleasure- not yours. It also makes it really hard to ask for what you want…
We struggle to ask for what we want-
If you’ve worked out the above (or even a teency bit of what you like) telling a partner where we like to be touched or about our fantasies can be easier said than done. Maybe you’re shy, embarrassed or just have no idea how to start. But if we’re not asking for what we want, sex might feel empty, boring or just unsatisfying. And our desire for it might decrease as time goes on….
Our bodies and minds feel closed down to our sexuality-
This is a really important aspect of sexuality that is quite rarely talked about. For many women the following resonates- they’re stuck in their own head (preoccupied or distracted by thoughts or worries) and eventually lose touch with their bodies.
Many of us live life at 100mph and can become lost in our thoughts or only use the logical side of our mind. This can mean we become unresponsive to sexual cues in our environments or neglect the playful side of our imagination that we need to feel turned on.
If we’re stuck in our head most of the time, our bodies can also become less sensitised to feeling desire or being turned on, and we don’t tune in to experience the feeling of pleasure in our bodies. We may feel empty, numb, lacking in feeling or unable to register a sexual response. Some describe it like a fire being extinguished- a deadening of sensation.
Recognise any of these? Want to feel more sexually empowered?
If any of the above experiences have resonated with you and you’re wondering where on earth to begin, check out our new course “The Art of Sexual Self-Empowerment”.
Have you experienced any of the above blocks to accessing your sexual self? What impact have they had on your desire? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below ↓↓↓