“To remain interested, sex has to remain interesting”- Esther Perel.
Lots of our conversations about having a low sex drive tend to focus on us wanting/planning/hoping to have MORE sex.
After all, it’s the lack of it that’s the problem….. right?
Well, I’m gonna take a bit of a swing at that.
Because what if you have MORE sex, but it’s BAD SEX?!
Like, sex that hurts, feels rubbish, or you just generally feel like you’d rather not thanks.
It’s going to make you feel like you get to the point where you reaaaallllyyyy don’t want it anymore.
And that’s the case for thousands of women who are turned off sex.
It’s not disinterest in sex generally- rather just the sex they are (or were) having.
I’ve written in much more depth about that here where you can find lots more information on exactly HOW the sex you are (or were) having can close down your desire.
But in this post, we’re going to explore what to do about it. Because as Esther Perel rightly states, if you fix the sex, you fix the relationship.
How to actually look forwards to sex (and improve your sex drive).
Below is a beginners guide to four steps you can take to make sure the sex you’re having is what you *really* want. And ergo, improve your sex drive.
These are the steps I followed when my desire took a nosedive- you can read more about me here and how this process revolutionized my low libido!
Step one: Pleasure is the measure
Lets face it, if sex doesn’t feel good- there’s very little reason to want to do it!
So if you’ve been shuffling away from your partners advances or going to bed later/earlier than them to avoid sex, perhaps things are making sense now you’re rethinking the last bonking session you had.
So the way we increase your desire? Focus on having BETTER sex.
Its not rocket science, hey, but it’s amazing how many people/professionals/crappy internet advice forums tell you to have more sex without really examining the reasons why you don’t want it in the first place.
Unfortunately the pleasure gap STILL exists with hetero- and bi- women experiencing less orgasms than male partners. Thats why it’s so important to focus on more pleasure.
Specifically with this issue, we want to aim for quality over quantity!
(And FYI, improving the QUALITY of the sex you have often impacts on the QUANTITY, wink wink…)
Emily Nagoski calls this pleasure is the measure– “the key to assessing your own sexual wellbeing is not how much you want sex, but how much you like the sex you are having”.
The question is- how do we make sure you’re having BETTER sex?
In fact, scratch that- let’s aim higher…. how do we make sure you’re having GREAT sex?
Step Two: Find out what you want in bed and learn how to ask for it….
It’s amazing how many of us aren’t really sure what feels good or what we actually want from sex as many of us have never had that space to explore our own pleasure or motivations for sex.
But the more we know about WHAT we want in bed (and what we really don’t) as well as how to communicate that to our partner(s) the more we can centre our pleasure as part of our sexual experiences.
This can be really helpful for things like if sex is going on too long, it becomes painful or uncomfortable, or you need more for the build up to get you in the mood.
The more you curate the sex you want the more you’ll get out of the experience.
To find this out, check out my Guide to the Art of Sexual Self-Empowerment- after all, knowledge is the first step to pleasure.…
Step Three: Reduce the stress around sex- learn to relax and enjoy yourself
It’s so common to feel like you can’t relax and just enjoy sex. When you’ve got loads of mental chatter, an inner critic, or you’re writing a mental to-do list, it can sometimes feel a bit stressful to get “in the zone” to get turned on.
BUT there are so many great resources to help you stay in the moment.
Check out this article on 19# ways to help you stay in the present moment to help keep your mind from wandering and stay focused on the task at hand…..
Step Four: bust some myths about sex
There are SO MANY myths about sex and desire it’s literally a wonder anyone has sex!
Many of us have internalised these mistruths, to the point where lots of pretty bad sexual practise just feels like the norm.
To remedy this, it’s important to get factual and accurate information about the truth on sex and desire. To get the lowdown, check out this article on myths about sex to find out more.
Want to go deeper?
There is SO much more to cover in this section about how to break the cycle of bad sex and take control of your sex drive.
Dive in to the blog to find out more tips, tricks and guidance around having better sex.
P.S. Your sex life is often intertwined with your relationship so you might also want to visit this section for more.