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It can be incredibly difficult to feel completely relaxed when having sex.

Whether that’s because of distracting thoughts or fear of judgement from our partners, actually being ourselves and feeling free in bed seems almost impossible.

Below are 10 tried and tested ways to help you feel more relaxed and enjoy losing yourself in the moment….

How to relax and surrender into sex:

  1. Relationship work

To feel safe to let go during sex, you need to feel safe both emotionally and physically. This comes from a sense of trust, respect and understanding with your partner. If we’re even slightly worried they won’t listen to our no, pick up on subtle body cues, or feel resentment or unresolved conflict (which creates distance between the two of you), it can impact on our ability to lose ourselves in sex because we feel an innate need to stay alert.

Esther Perel talks about sex as a place you go. Do you feel comfortable for your partner to go there with you?

2. Practise alone: 

if you can’t let go when you’re by yourself, how will you do so with a partner?

Practise touching yourself alone and focus on how you get comfortable and feel safe by yourself. Often we come to masturbation in a hurried fashion, or feel guilt about self-pleasuring. But here is where you connect with your body and find out what feels good for you.

3. Learn how to trust your body.

Completing this exercise can help.

4. Create a safe, sensual bedroom space. 

This is about what you need to do to create a bedroom in which you can fully engage with your sexuality.

Do you need a lock on the door? Are you comfortable? Do you need to adjust the temperature? What about how it’s decorated- does it inspire you to unwind?

5. Don’t be ashamed to embrace pleasure. 

We can feel shy, embarassed, afraid that we’ll be judged for our enjoyment of sex, which is all bollocks! The best way of doing this I found was to surround yourself with a sex positive community. Talk with friends who are able to embody their own pleasure without fear. Follow sex positive blogs. Join the Scarlet Ladies. Do what you need to do to be around people that can inspire you to strip away any judgement you might have.

6. The power of vulnerability. 

Watch this video. You’re welcome.

Ask for what you want (otherwise your partner will never know).  

Find out more about this in my article about the awkward girls guide to dirty talk.

7. Bare your neck. 

So I’m sure there’s something animalistic about this, or maybe something around feeling safe to be dominated by a partner, but I discovered it accidentally whilst relaxing more into the moment the last few times I’ve had sex.

If you bare your neck (and by this I mean tilt your head back or to the side more than you would normally to expose your neck) it feels like quite a sexual pose. We’re exposing a really vulnerable part of us, and it can help you to tap into that vulnerability you need to surrender to sex.

*Only do this if you feel comfortable and safe to do so- trust your instinct*.

8. Relax and rest your arms above your head.

AKA like Kate Winslet in Titanic- the old resting arms jobby. Similar to the above and tapping into being vulnerable, when you are laying down (and your partner’s going down on you or you’re in missionary) gently rest your arms on the bed over your head.

I’m sure it’s something about the way your back is slightly bent in this position, meaning your pelvis goes down so your breasts are more on show, that can be calming. Another way to get the same effect is to wear a blindfold.

9. Visualise your perfect sexual encounter. 

Close your eyes, and imagine. Visualise who you want to be in bed, what you want to move like, look like, sound like. Close your eyes and focus on your body and what it feels like. Write that shit down. Make vision boards. The clearer your vision the more likely it’ll become reality.

10. Make or listen to noise (especially during foreplay).

This links to pleasure and sensuality by grounding you into the moment. To begin with if you don’t know how, just breathe heavily, sigh, give soft moans. Or, play music- listen to something that makes you feel sexy!

11. Learn to lose control:

this is a hard one as many of us are running around like control freaks and unable to let ourselves truly be seen and give in to another.  A great way of doing this is through dance- expressing yourself through your body and quieting your busy mind! Claudia Melli also recommends looking at areas in your life where you can delegate tasks and to enjoy when there is a change of plan- fight against your natural instinct to step in. 

12. Give yourself enough time.

If you’re always having sex late at night, and you know you’ll going for at least an hour, and that means not enough sleep before a busy day tomorrow, you can begin to panic about tomorrow and how you’ll function. So, making sure you get to bed with an hour to spare before your actual bed time can mean it’s so much easier to relax, enjoy sex and know you’ll get a full nights sleep still.

And if these aren’t enough, here’s two great blogs about how to relax and surrender during sex..