If you are totally RUBBISH at talking dirty.
Like this kind of level of awkward:
Then you’re not alone.
So many of us find it tough to “talk dirty”- which basically just means telling our partner what we like/ feels good for us in bed, AKA asking for what we want.
Let’s get diiiirty
Talking dirty is actually a really important skill to learn because:
- it keeps you present… because you’re concentrating on what you want and what you want them to do (and stops that pesky anxiety creeping in)
- it can make you feel even more turned on (because you listen to yourself make noises/take control)
- you instruct them to do what actually feels good, so sex becomes much better.
And if sex is better, you’re more likely to want it (aka, an improved sex drive!)
There are TONS of articles on *how* to actually talk dirty (including a post on this site which is a guide for awkward people!).
But often the more important thing to focus on at first is what’s making it hard for you to speak out.
What’s holding you back?
- Are you embarrassed?
- Afraid? Concerned you’ll be judged, laughed at? Be called a slut if you do for having an opinion or judged for your like for sex (or frigid/vanilla if you don’t)
- Do you think you shouldn’t need to? Maybe of us think that chemistry should work it’s magic and we should know what to do, and our partners can mindread, so that communication and direction isn’t needed. It can be heard as though our partners or us aren’t good enough or are poor lovers.
- Ashamed? Shame silences us and makes us feel stupid or undeserving of more pleasure.
- Fearing rejection?
- Worried you can’t be a good partner/lover if you’re also vocal in the sack?
- Maybe you just don’t know what you want, so you’re not ever sure what to ask for or say!
Understanding why it’s tough for you to speak about your needs is the first piece of the puzzle.
Often it’s bound up with our previous experiences, our identities and who we want to be perceived as, or our own expectations of who we should be in bed.
Some really helpful questions to assist you in figuring this out are about asking yourself:
- What are you afraid of?
- Whats holding you back?
- How does this belief help me?
- How does it hurt me?
What do you want?
Figuring out what you actually want is the next step. Our sexual appetite is built upon knowing what feels good- and we can’t articulate what feels good if we don’t know in the first place!
Bringing your authentic self to the bedroom and being honest about your needs is such a powerful way of ensuring you’re having sex that feels great for you (and your partner).
And this, ultimately, will improve your libido!