The dark side of desire: why we should be cautious telling women with a low libido to schedule in sex.

For the last three years of my life, I’ve struggled to want sex.

Call it what you want- low sex drive, lost libido, dead bedroom– I’m it.

I’m only 31, and it began after an intense period of stress in my life where I was studying and working and dashing around to make ends meet (you can read more about me here).

My desire for sex left me gradually, silently, exiting the door stage left and then fucked off for a rather long period!

Trying to retrieve it has taken me the better part of two years, tons of books and research, many hours repairing my relationship, and a whole lifestyle shift.

During my journey I’ve learned so much about women’s health, sexuality, sensuality and biology from some amazing researchers, academics, bloggers and sex therapists.

But I’ve also experienced a lifetime’s worth of bad advice, dodgy tips and downright sexist suggestions.

The one I want to focus on in this post is scheduling in sex.

To schedule…

Scheduling in sex can be a LIFESAVER for those who have a lack of time, or believe that sex should “just happen”… and then find it doesn’t.

HOWEVER. And this is a very big however.

This advice needs to be taken with a pinch of salt, because in other cases, scheduling in sex only increases the problem…

Or not to schedule?

On a personal level, scheduling sex just didn’t work for me.

I read the advice online and because it was such a popular suggestion and I (desperate to try anything that would help) was excited to get going.

At the start of the week I thoughtfully planned out my meals, social events and activities.

I also carefully noted down the evening I thought we could have sex.

Firstly, it was a *slight* practical nightmare. My boyfriend and I have schedules that often change quite quickly, reacting to sudden plans with friends or late working hours, so in the beginning it was really tough to plan anything out.

But over a few weeks I managed to find a few nights that we’d both be in, and I was excited to pencil it in with some little doodly celebration marks and a hopeful heart.

Feeling satisfied with myself and confident that this would be my “magic bullet” and that I wasn’t broken, I put the issue to the back of my mind.

However, as the diary entry loomed closer I found myself dreading the approaching sexual date because the worries began flooding in.

What if I was ill on the night? What if I wasn’t in the right mood, couldn’t get aroused… What if I just didn’t want to?

And if I didn’t, I’d not only let myself down, but I also obviously failed at yet another technique to sort it out.

I began to rehearse the excuses in my head, desperate for a way to feel I could get out of having sex that felt valid to me.

And I felt so guilty- that I STILL wasn’t looking forwards to shagging.

It felt like I had no way out.

I was totally crushed by my own pressure to force myself to have sex on that night.

Eventually, I ended up resenting the evening, the process, and the sex itself.

Why scheduling in sex isn’t for everyone

From my experiences, I began to wonder about whether this really is the best advice to give to women with a low libido, or women with responsive desire. Here’s why…

1. Scheduling in sex is a generic response to a low sex drive, and assumes the woman does actually want/enjoy sex, there’s just a lack of time or motivation to do so. It ignores the other factors at play that might be causing a low sex drive, e.g. factors within the relationship, if the sex is hurts or makes her feel anxious or stressed. The reasons WHY her sex drive has dipped should be explored first (see this post), and whether having more sex is going to be appropriate for that situation.
2. If you’re having shit sex, having more shit sex isn’t going to make things better. Sex might be painful, distressing, boring or just not pleasurable. Sex might hugely increase your anxiety, or be a distressing experience when you can’t stay in the room and focus. Scheduling in more bad/mediocre sex might mean she gets to the point where she HATES sex, or her partner, because she’s doing it because she “should” not because she wants to. She might get caught into a cycle of performance anxiety, where sex becomes more and more difficult each time you do it. This isn’t going to encourage her to want it any more!
3. Scheduling sex if you don’t really want to have it is problematic because it ties in to the idea that you should be having sex within a relationship, and that your partners pleasure is more important than yours. It’s duty sex- the new version of “lie back and think of England”. In my opinion, adding sex to a to-do list when you’re dreading its approach doesn’t acknowledge the importance of women’s pleasure within desire.
4. Having a fixed date for sex can create huge levels of stress, anxiety, and may mean you feel there is no flexibility around sex if you’re tired, ill, or just not feeling up for it. We need to give ourselves permission not to have sex, and that’s OK!
5. If you tell your partner about your sexy date, this can also add to the pressure to be up for it (and the arguments if you decide you don’t).
6. It also never gave me the chance to build up my own desire to initiate sex, so the problems with my lack of sex drive just continued.

The alternative

I think there’s an easy alternative that can be suggested instead of scheduling in sex itself.

Rather, schedule in time for a date night.

This removes the pressure from actual sex, and the evening becomes about the two of you spending quality time together. The pressure is off, and you can just enjoy each other’s company. This helps build intimacy, connection and friendship between you.

Vanessa Marin (one of the best sex therapists around also recommends this approach in this article).

Another suggestion is instead of scheduling in sex, why not stop sex altogether?

Sound counter intuitive? Possibly, but take a read of this post to see how helpful this can be to increase desire. Instead of dread, this approach encourages you to build desire and actually look forwards to having a shag 🙂

Finally, the golden rule with sex should ALWAYS be quality over quantity. 

We should be aiming for the sex to be better, as if it becomes about pleasure we’ll likely begin to want it more.

So, what do you think about scheduling sex- has it worked for you? I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments below.