If we don’t fancy having sex, it can get to the point where it’s “a big deal”.
Up until now, sex has either meant rejecting your partner, or giving in to sex that you may not really want to keep them happy.
So we start to avoid situations where we might “turn them on”, e.g. undressing in front of them.
We can start feeling this pressure build even through the smallest acts of affection by our partners.
It can feel like every single hug, kiss, brush past or shuffle on the sofa has an ulterior motive.
So we shy away not only from sex, but also from any affection given because we’re constantly worrying or dreading that it means they want sex.
It’s a horrid feeling, known as the sexual avoidance cycle.
And if this is you, you’ve become stuck in a totally dis-empowering bedtime routine.
Feeling powerless, trapped, pressured into having sex is literally the worst thing for your sex drive (and feeling sexy).
And a lack of overall affection and physical touch outside of sex means that a simple touch becomes charged and highly pressurised, leading us to feel disconnected from our partners.
Luckily however, there’s actually a really simple, VERY effective way to change this awful cycle, start loving your partners touch again, and to potentially revive your sex drive rather quickly….
That advice is to take sex off the table.
WTF I hear you say, spitting out your tea and tripping over the dog.
Because it takes the pressure off.
And this is key.
As mentioned above, sex has become a high pressure commodity in the relationship with some unhelpful patterns around it.
So take it off the cards.
It sounds scary.
But by taking the sex off the table, even for seven days, the pressure is off.
You’re free of worry that he/she will initiate sex.
And this allows time for your desire to build. For touch to become associated with pleasure rather than pressure. For you to tease, tantalise and get closer.
Below are some recommended steps to implementing this method. HOWEVER, there is a note of caution around this- see the footnote*.
Step 1: talk to your partner
Make sure you explain carefully to your partner exactly why this is important, and take good care of yourself during this process- it can feel really awkward or tough to have this convo (especially if you’re not having sex at the moment so a no-sex request seems laughable), but bear with it.
It’s sometimes useful to point them towards the source of the information. Both Maj Wismann and Bez Stone advocate doing this method to improve desire (Maj does an amazing cake analogy here explaining this concept, and Bez has another great article about this here in MBG or in this article.) These articles can help guide your conversation, or you could just send them to your partner to read.
Ask them to promise not to try it on with you.
They can touch themselves in between if they want to, but explain how important this is.
I’d say 1-2 weeks is OK and hopefully long enough, but see how you feel and check in with your partner.
Yes they’ll probably whine a little, but let them know that you’re trying and that surely they can live without it a little longer.
Step 2: don’t have sex.
Sometimes easier said than done. But just don’t. No sexy times. For the time period agreed above.
Step 3: up the pressure
Whilst you’ve taken sex off the table and there’s no pressure to have it, start ramping up your sex drive yourself.
- Start “simmering”- you can read more about that here.
- SNOG! Here there and everywhere. Read more about snogging here and why it helps.And then…..This is the important part.Make sure you walk away or break apart without anything else hot and heavy happening.They’ll beg you for more, paw at your clothes, tell you it’s unfair to leave them hanging. But this has to happen for things to get better. Trust me.
- Look up more about desire, read erotic fiction, self-play, increase your fantasy and desire, do as much sexual self-care as you can. It’s a chance for you to reconnect with yourself and want YOU want in bed.
- Check in with your partner. Talk about what you want, tell them about erotic blueprints or what you want in bed.
Then, see how you feel as time goes on without pressure or expectation.
This step should give you back control, over where, when, how and how often you make the first move.
And, when the celibate period comes to an end, the idea is that you’ll have increased your desire towards having sex. If not, keep trying.
They say you don’t miss the water until the well runs dry.
Why not try stopping sex to see whether there’s even the tiniest thing there that you miss!
What do you think- Would you ever try this method? If you did, how did it go?
* I’d advise not trying this step until you’ve had some time to explore the rest of the factors blocking your desire.
Specifically this method works because it changes the dynamic between you, takes the pressure off sex and puts the emphasis on affection, increasing the simmer, and giving you back control. It should be used ideally as you’re starting to feel more in touch with yourself and your desire, likely later on in your journey.
Otherwise, the same issues will still be there (stress, anxiety, relationship issues etc) and your libido will still be low even with the steps above. So try to remove as many obstacles from your desire before you take this step where possible.
I’d love to know whether you think this might work for you, or how you got on if you used this method?