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Step one of embarking on a journey to find your sex drive is to consider whether it’s really lost.


A personal story of mine is pretty relevant here.

I was talking with my boyfriend recently, and I kept saying I’d “lost” my desire to have sex, and I needed to find it.

I also referred to myself as broken.

He paused, chewed his lip, and then said to me…

its more like it’s on pause rather than lost“.

And in that moment, I felt like there was hope.

For the first time- I wasn’t broken, unfixable, forever numb downstairs.

I knew what I needed to do was “unpause” myself. To press play, and enjoy sex again.

And all I likely needed was some help in getting unstuck.


And then I found this amazing quote from a woman called Jaiya from “The Ladies Coach“:

“The most limiting belief I see is that women think they are broken – Broken because they can’t have an orgasm, broken because they aren’t happy in sex, broken because they don’t know what they want, broken because they don’t look like a super model. The truth is that they aren’t broken, they just haven’t been taught about their bodies, turn-ons, and sexuality.”

In those two statements I felt my eyes had really been opened.

I actually wanted to cry a little, because it just seemed like I’d been so hard on myself for so long about me not wanting to have sex. That was possibly part of the problem.

Seeing yourself as broken/damaged/lost/dead inside isn’t a kind message to give yourself.

Realising our sex drives are different is a thousand times more helpful, hopeful and empowering.

And knowing that there is hope, there is freedom, there is a way out, is empowering.

Even knowing whether your sex drive is low is a start.


So ladies- repeat after me.

We’re not broken or lost. 

Everyone is different, our sex drives go up and down and rely on a thousand factors to keep them in balance.

Often, it starts with learning to connect to your own sexuality.