Many of us are SUUUUUPER awkward at talking dirty.
There are tons of reasons why it’s terrifying to speak out in bed (see this post for a run down of all of them!).
However, when you really think about it, talking dirty just means instructing someone to do to you what you want.
It’s just your basic assertiveness, but in bed.
Often asking for what we want can be really challenging! Claudia Melli suggests that not asking for what you want is the number one cause of low desire and disconnection from a partner. The less you ask for what you need, the more the space grows. The more you ask, the sex will get better and better because it’s what you want. Everyone’s a winner!
So if you can be assertive at work, in the queue for a coffee, with your dog, you can DEFINITELY do it in bed.
How to talk dirty (for super duper awkward people)?
Partly that’s about tuning in during sex. Does that rub, hurt, feel uncomfortable? Or does it just… well…. do nothing?
It’s also about knowing your needs, wants, fantasies and desires, even before a partner touches you. How do you want your partner to approach, to speak to you, to turn you on from afar?
This is easier said than done so there’s a whole section on it here.
#2: Own the words you want to use.
If you’re only saying the words “dick”, “pussy”, “cunt” or whatever very infrequently, it’s no wonder it feels funny saying them during an incredible intimate time (when you’re likely naked and possibly have nipple clamps on and whipped cream everywhere).
So- practise saying them out loud.
- Tell yourself in the mirror.
- Yell pussy so loudly in the shower your neighbours/cats/bin men can hear.
- Repeatedly mumble them while you’re chopping up vegetables for dinner.
It’s weirdly empowering, and you’ll get used to hearing those words coming out of your mouth.
#3: Get a partner you feel comfortable with
It’s no use starting with judgy Judy or misogynist Mike as you won’t feel right (and they sound like an asshole).
Only practise this with someone kind, gentle, lovely, and who is eager to please and wants to hear what you want.
#4: Tell them what you need:
Words of encouragement:
- “that feels great”
- *insert breathy moan in here for extra points*
Words of instruction:
- “don’t stop”
- “touch me here”
- “lick me there”
- “keep going”
- “just a bit slower”
Fill in the gaps as a starter for 10….
- “I love it when you………”
- “Can you… me there harder?”
- “I want you to ……. me ……..”
- “When I’m with you I feel ……”
- “Do that again, but this time I want you to do it…..”
#5: Don’t put pressure on yourself
It’s unlikely you’ll change into a fluent dirty linguist overnight, because you’re probably not used to asking for what we want.
But, it’s about little and often.
You’ll find the first time you ask for what you want, the reward will be huge. Not only will it increase your self-esteem and you can pat yourself on the back because you’re taking control of your sexual tastes.
#6: Use your body
Remember that it’s not only talking dirty using words, you can also use your hands and body to indicate to your partner what you want. Stop or start moving your body, take their hand and place it where you want it, change position… all as subtle or as obvious as you want to be.
#7 Be mindful of the “complaint ask”
Claudia Melli suggests that many women think they’re asking for what they want, but in fact they’re expressing themselves through a negative. So they tell their partners what they don’t want, rather than what they do. Sometimes this may be because they don’t know, but owning your desires and asking for them is one of the most powerful things you can do and be as a woman. So own that instruction- use “I want/need/like” to really take ownership of your desire.
So, what do you think- what tips do you use to be more sexually assertive in bed?